Community is a complex creature. Many factors contribute to finding successful community. With the erosion of the geographically close family and the heightened mobility of our culture, many people struggle to learn healthy competencies for community.

Schools, service agencies, churches, and other organizations are making a concerted effort to help. Yet several common myths surround the search to belong, myths that dilute and confuse the definitions we employ to describe our journey to connect.

More time = more belonging

The first myth is that the greater the amount of time spent in relationship with another person, the more authentic the community will be. This is a pervasive myth. In reality, time has little to do with a person’s ability to experience significant belonging. Many people tell stories of first-time, episodic introductions from which a spontaneous connection emerges. Have you ever said, “I just met you, but it seems like I’ve known you all my life”?

Or, for still another perspective, Rose describes an experience at her church:

About a month ago a woman named Sandra began attending. She is 56 years old. She came to our group last night. She has zero church background. Four years ago she was alone on a week-long vacation to Mexico. One morning by the pool, she struck up a conversation with the young woman sitting next to her. She learned that this young woman was there on her honeymoon. When the bride’s husband joined her by the pool, Sandra tried to excuse herself, but they just kept talking with her.

Sandra said that she ran into this couple off and on during the rest of her vacation. They mentioned they attended a Vineyard church in California. “It wasn’t like they were trying to recruit me or anything,” she was quick to add. “It just came up in one of our conversations that they were Christians and where they went to church.”

Sandra was so impressed with how kind they were, and she liked how they treated each other. She went away from them thinking they had something—values or a lifestyle—she found attractive.

She told me probably once a year for the past four years she has thought about going to church. She looked in the phone book for a Vineyard church (because she had no idea where else to go) and found us.

A short connection around a swimming pool had significance years later. Belonging is not controlled by time, and time by itself does not develop belonging.

More commitment = more belonging

People often believe that there is a significant relationship between commitment and community. This is, however, a romantic view. When we search to belong, we aren’t really looking for commitment—we simply want to connect.

A relationship that involves commitment does not necessarily promote a greater experience of belonging. A married couple may feel very committed to their relationship, yet still feel the strain of not belonging to each other. Every month I’m reminded of my commitment to my financial responsibilities, yet I never experience belonging because of those commitments.

To experience healthy community we need significant relationships. “Significant” is not the same as “close” or “committed.” My wife, Sara, practices the ancient craft of rug hooking. “Hookers,” as they call themselves, gather around the country in small guilds, in week-long schools, and for conferences. Every fall Sara attends a weekend conference in northern Ohio. This conference is very significant in Sara’s life. She finds help with her craft. She connects with those who have the same passion. Mostly, she finds a respite from her busy life. Yet neither the relationship with the conference nor the relationships with the participants can be accurately called “committed.”

Sara is by no means committed to the conference. Every year the discussion is repeated: “Should I spend the money and time or should I stay home?” Even though she has attended several years in a row, the conference cannot count on her commitment. What they can count on is her passion for the craft. And that she will make her decision to attend at the very last moment.

She has no committed relationship with any of the participants. She’s just now beginning to remember their names from year to year. She rarely connects with them outside of the conference. She’s never called any of them on the phone to chat.

These relationships cannot be described as close or committed. Still, they are significant to Sara’s experience of community.

More purpose = more belonging

During the 1980s Tom Peters led The Search for Excellence revolution within the business community. He, and others, prescribed mission, vision, and purpose statements to ailing and healthy organizations alike. Groups were started to help people with their search for community, and the first order of business was to write a statement of purpose. After all, people who strive together toward a common goal connect, right?

We even changed our language. We no longer asked people to attend committee meetings. They were now “team members” who attended “team meetings.” And this simple change was all in the hope of helping people feel connected.

Although many positive accomplishments sprang from this newly focused approach, in reality this strategy has very little connection with the community experience. Sometimes people who have a common passion and purpose do connect. But a common purpose or vision or goal does not guarantee that people will connect.